Is Having a Boyfriend Actually Embarrassing Now?
The recent article titled “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” published in Vogue by Chanté Joseph has caused quite a stir among netizens. The initial TikTok regarding the publishing of the piece has been shared millions of times, and prominent personalities, such as Zohran Mamdani, the mayor-elect of New York, have joined in the discussion to unpack the question. In her article, Chanté ponders on the current perception of boyfriends on social media, for example how women feel ashamed of sharing their partners’ photos online, and the subsequent reactions to sharing a relationship on social media. She highlights the ongoing shift in how boyfriends are perceived online and its implications for wider society.
However, Chanté’s article frames the question completely wrong. “Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?” should be replaced by “Are boyfriends embarrassing now?”. The author frames the question, suggesting that a woman having a boyfriend is embarrassing when in fact, it is the boyfriend who is the actual problem, which can be tied to a much broader issue. How?
Firstly, it has been widely known before that men benefit much more from relationships than women due to gender roles. The Guardian reports that single women are much happier than their married counterparts, on the contrary to men, who report higher health benefits and comfort. This is associated with the roles assumed in the households. While men report emotional and practical benefits, women seem to experience the heightened burden of responsibilities and stress. The increased stress can be explained by an average imbalance in the traditional division of responsibilities, where men are meant to focus solely on career and women on household and caregiving. However, as in the modern society women also choose to pursue their own careers, they can become responsible for both domains, while men more frequently refuse to take an equal share on responsibilities. This perspective actively discourages women which can result in delay or refusal to find a partner, as it no longer seems to be beneficial, but on the contrary – an extra responsibility.
Secondly, current societies are witnessing a notable shift among young people, where women are becoming more liberal, whereas men are more conservative. Single women find fulfilment and personal identity in hobbies, sports and meeting friends. Yet, as the Vogue article quotes, women “can become more beige and watered-down online when in a relationship”, which could be attributed to the heightened stress and responsibilities. On the other hand, a subset of single men search for their sense of identity online, where far-right and extremist creators teach them to do so through attributing blame to others, such as women when it comes to their misfortune and loneliness. Thus, women feel discouraged about finding a boyfriend, due to increased male misogyny, heightened emotional labour and fear of becoming the target of the blame themselves.
Consequently, the interplay between lack of responsibility, and turn towards extremist views dehumanising women, which women themselves do not want to embody, seems to be some of the main factors determining why having a boyfriend, or more accurately, why boyfriends can be embarrassing. Thus, if being single embodies freedom and liberation, while having a boyfriend represents stress and liability, perhaps it’s not the relationship status that is embarrassing, but the boyfriend.